On the Seventeenth Day of Christmas

a) “Music from The O.C. Mix 3” by Various Artists

I have a bit of a confession to make. Maybe it's nothing. But I watched every episode of The O.C. when it came out. I found it endlessly fascinating and, as much as I might get made fun of, Seth Cohen's music taste rubbed off on me and I finally found my taste for indie music. I discovered The Killers, Modest Mouse, Death Cab for Cutie, and Phantom Planet from this show and I'll always love its quirky music choices.

The Chrismukkah album is a compilation of some great indie holiday songs (without any representatives for the -mukkah, sadly). Low's “Just Like Christmas” has gone on to be one of the most widely-used of the collection, but each of the nine songs have their own charm to them. It's one of the things that works with indie music—you can just add sleigh bells, add a line about Dec. 25, and call it a Christmas song. And it works!

Ron Sexsmith's “Maybe This Christmas” might be the best on the album, just for being so heartfelt and hopeful.

b) Chrismukkah episodes from The O.C.

Today marks the beginning of Chrismukkah, a celebration described as “eight days of presents followed by a day of many presents.” Ignoring any secular undertones of the holidays, this is how I think every December should should go. Who doesn't love more gifts?

The O.C. was always good about making their Chrismukkah episodes worthy of the holiday mash-up implied by the name. They were always simultaneously sad and joyous. Bad shit happened, but there was always a glimmer of hope by the end, that even in this crazy money-soaked town of Orange County where everyone is beautiful and there's never a shortage of drugs and entertainment, there's at least something to be happy about: family.

Aw, isn't that sweet?

I think everyone should celebrate Chrismukkah.

c) Boxing Day

Okay, seriously, what the fuck is Boxing Day? It's on every goddamn calendar I've ever seen, and yet not a single person I talk to can tell me what it is.

I mean, besides Canadians, or course, but what do they know?

Boxing Day is a holiday celebrated across the globe (in specific countries), but is widely associated with Canada. This causes many holiday experts to scratch their heads and wonder why it wasn't called “Hockey Day” instead.

I'd like to think that Boxing Day has something to do with all the boxes you're left with after the holidays. Maybe everyone is supposed to join their boxes together to form a giant box fort or something. I mean, I would totally support that holiday.

I would also support it if everyone just watched all the Rocky movies.

Or if I got money for it. That has nothing to do with boxes, but I'm broke as shit and could use another holiday that gives out cash.

On the Sixteenth Day of Christmas

a) “Let It Snow” by Her Space Holiday

Total reimaginings of traditional songs can end up with weird, unnerving, and downright offensive covers. No one needs to hear a 15-minute version of “Winter Wonderland” played entirely by sitars overlapped with the lyrics spoken in Pig Latin, a half-beat off. (But if anyone actually made that song, I would totally give it the benefit of the doubt and listen all the way through.)

Her Space Holiday has done some interesting and satisfying covers in the past—my favorite being a new take on Wolf Parade's “I'll Believe In Anything”—and their version of “Let It Snow” is certainly different, especially how it quickly morphs into a sing-chant of “All I Want For Christmas.” But I really like it. It's teeming with the joy of the holiday season and an attitude that “we can do anything with this song.” Cool beans, man.

b) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Yes, I'm so glad that Chevy Chase thought Community was so beneath him, but a couple of quick Old Navy commercials reuniting some of the Christmas Vacation cast was a more acceptable brand of comedy.

Maybe I'm just bitter.

I really have nothing wrong with the movie itself. Sure, Chevy's kind of an ass now and Randy Quaid is crazy, but what comes between the title screen and the ending credits is a funny, enjoyable movie. The first time I saw this movie was in my ninth grade social studies class, the day before Christmas break. Since Mr. Russell didn't feel like teaching us anything about geography or government that day, we got to watch the movie how any high school shows a movie with cursing—the volume abruptly turned down at specific times to avoid tainting our virgin ears to the atrocities of profanity. That is, until one “shit” or “fuck” accidentally slips and the teach, feet propped up in the back of the room says, “Eh, you guys don't mind, do you?” We'll sheepishly confirm, so as to watch the movie, unedited, for the rest of class.

Oh, right, I haven't actually said anything about this movie yet. Well, using the Pledge of Allegiance as Christmas grace, electrocuting a cat, and lubing the bottom of a sled are exactly the kinds of gut-busting hilarity that make me wonder what the current National Lampoon staff thinks their doing.

“Van Wilder 5: College, uh... Something” should be out soon. Stoked!

This movie brims with quality and relatable Christmas humor and does it fantastically well. The dad who wants the best display on the block hits home with so many people. The grandparents who aren't quite there provide great lines while adding a subtext of cringing familiarity. And that sled scene might be over-the-top and cartoonish in ways that movies seem to be afraid of these days, but dammit if I didn't want to try it myself.

c) Ornaments

So now you've cut down a tree (or had someone do it for you). You've gotten into your house and propped up in your living room. It's not enough to just decorate this tree with strings of tiny colorful lights. No, you have to hang delicate glass balls and cheap souvenirish knick-knacks from the branches, too.

I don't understand the point of ornaments (pornaments, on the other hand...). Don't get me wrong, I get few greater joys than from decorating our tree every year, but it's one of those traditions I take part in without really knowing why (like crossing your fingers when lying or going to the dentist twice a year). Is there anything remotely religious about hanging official Harry Potter merchandise off of the tannenbaum? Would Santa Claus be offended by the evil depiction of him stuffing a child into his sack? (Both real ornaments on our tree this year, by the way.)

Who decided that a pine tree would make a good template for a hanging collage of family interests and pictures? It's true that you can tell a lot about a family from what's on their tree:

• Lots of macaroni ornaments = the kids were cute when they brought those home from school.
• Ornaments promoting five different beer brands = daddy has a bit of a problem.
• Tinsel = poor. Seriously, why even bother decorating the tree at all?

Well, our tree is packed this year and I wouldn't have it any other way. A full Christmas tree means a family full of love. And that Step-Aunt Marge couldn't think of anything to get the family five years in a row.

On the Fifteenth Day of Christmas

a) “It's Cliched to Be Cynical At Christmas” by Half Man Half Biscuit
This is a strange deep cut and I couldn't tell you how I found it. In a weird way, it's kind of beautiful in what it wants to accomplish. Christmas is such an easily misanthropic holiday, which its overabundance of joy and merriness. It's like, we get it! Go shove your candy cane up you-know-where.

Your ass, we mean.

This song, in 3/4 time (the most jolly of all time signatures), is saying, “Hey, Jack! What's with the blue Christmas here? Time to put away your pity party and have yourself a merry little Christmas.”

Also, it ends with “I Saw Three Ships.” I mean, c'mon, Debbie Downer!

b) How the Grinch Stole Christmas animated
It's nothing new to place the antagonist of the story in the foreground, making him/her the main character and following their every move. Sometimes we just want to understand evil. And sometimes it's just damn entertaining to watch (Yeah, Mr. White! Yeah, meth!).

But I'd like to think it was pretty bold for Dr. Seuss to write a book, let alone a book about Christmas, from the perspective of a holiday curmudgeon...

Okay, maybe the Grinch is just Scrooge covered in green fur, but who cares?

What I love about the original Grinch cartoon is its faithfulness to the source material, something that the live-action movie lacked (for good reasons, like time). Granted, a couple of songs were added, but “You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” has become a classic in its own right.

But what makes the Grinch's story so engrossing? Why is it considered one of the greatest Christmas specials of all-time? It could be the redemption of a truly evil creature who hates fun and good cheer. It could also be the creepy grin the Grinch gets when he gets a good idea (but hopefully not). It could be the fact that I will forever call roast beef “roast beast.”

There are a lot of things that the Grinch cartoon has going for it: a rhyming Karloff as our narrator/Grinch, a dog with an antler tied to its head, A DOG WITH AN ANTLER TIED TO ITS HEAD!

I'm sold, and you should be too.

c) Christmas break
Having graduated college this year (thank you! Thank you so much! I know...), the concept of Christmas Break is already becoming so foreign to me. You mean to tell me that there are people out there who get upwards of three weeks off from their main purpose in life?! To do what? Play Xbox?

What have they been doing all this time to deserve a break? Studying? Homework? Three jobs to sustain living in a decent apartment without getting the water shut off?

Lazy, all of them.

It really sucks coming to the realization that I no longer get a Christmas Break. All that time to shop last-minute, brush up on Guitar Hero, and never have a person to kiss when the New Year arrived. Man, those were the days! Now I have to work through the holidays?! Who invented this BS?!

Christmas Break was exactly like Summer Break—it seems to be over before it started, but now you're $200 more broke and you have a couple new sweaters that don't fit right. When people ask you what you did, usually you make something up, like “Yeah, we went to the Grand Canyon; my uncle has a cabin at the base. We saw like a bunch of bears and stuff. And I met Heidi Klum. And I guest-starred on How I Met Your Mother, but they might have to cut my scene, so you'll never see it.”

Yep, same here.

On the Fourteenth Day of Christmas

a) “2000 Miles” by Coldplay

“2000 Miles” isn't a Coldplay original, but to me it sounds like their early songs. It's kind of a bleak song, but like a lot of Coldplay tracks, it almost sounds hopeful, in a dark, snowy kind of way.   

Also, I know how you know that I'm gay.

b) "A Huey Freeman Christmas" from The Boondocks

The Boondocks has always been a show that knows exactly what it wants to do and then does it, savagely and hilariously. When the show took on BET, it went for the balls and squeezed tightly, depicting it as the most evil organization in the world. So when a dangerously satirical show like this takes on Christmas, you can expect it to be scathing, right? With lines like “Christmas is about how Santa died for our gifts and rose from the dead and moved to the North Pole and because of that, every year Santa comes down to forgive our sins and give us eternal presents,” you'd expect some cynical depiction of the holiday season.

Well, yes and no.

Huey's venture as writer/director of the school Christmas play, “The Adventures of Black Jesus,” is a way of debunking Christmas myths in a way I actually enjoyed. This may be because of how over-the-top the whole concept was, getting multi-million dollar black actors to star in an elementary school production. It also has some of the best lines, which are just as good out of context:

“You were just, 'Blah blah gay sex blah blah congress.' You've got to be interesting!”

“Don't look at Quincy Jones! Quincy Jones ain't gonna help you!”

But somehow the show finds a heart in its most deplorable character, Uncle Ruckus, who comforts young Jasmine when she hears that Santa isn't real. It may be twinged with Ruckusian racism, but it's a disarmingly sweet moment, which the show rarely gives us.

And now for the best scene:

c) Making Christmas lists

When I was growing up, my Christmas lists were dope. They were multi-page annotated masterpieces of consumerist craving. Santa Claus had no choice but to marvel at my zeal and professionalism. And, most importantly, they were really easy to make; I would go through countless Toys R Us catalogs, finding everything I just needneedneeded and then be done in twenty minutes, just enough time to make indestructible snow forts by the edge of the driveway.

Nowadays, I need at least a month of prep. I have to weigh every last option of what people might feasibly give me (adult toys are a lot more expensive than kid toys, it turns out). I have to give measurements (30/34 pants, extra room in the crotch if you know what I mean) and, almost as important, I have to include a list of what NOT to get me. (“For the love of God, if I get another pair of socks, I'm disowning you as a grandmother.”)

There's just so much pressure to get everything right on a Christmas list, like it's an essay question anymore. Becoming an adult takes the best part of making a Christmas list out of the equation: the element of surprise. Sure, my lists were always obsessively specific, but they were also just templates, a springboard for other ideas. I might not get this Spider-Man toy, but I'd get surprised with some other Spider-Man toy on Christmas Day, and I would be nowhere near disappointed. Now, if I don't write “new wallet,” I sure as shit am not getting a new wallet. What happened to knowing a person well enough to finding random gifts not-asked-for, but still right up their alley? Can I expect a Sonic the Hedgehog t-shirt this year? No, because it's not on my list—I just thought of it now—even though my entire family knows how much I love the speedy little blue guy. (I should probably go outside at some point...)

Christmas lists are one of my least favorite parts of the season. I find them confining and demanding. I WANT THESE THINGS, DAMMIT! MOTHER, FETCH ME THE NEW TAYLOR SWIFT RECORD! A little spontaneity never hurt anyone, right?

NEWS REPORT TOMORROW: Chris Slattery, stabbed to death after taking a new route to work.  

On the Thirteenth Day of Christmas

a) “A Very She & Him Christmas” by She & Him

I know Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward are from this generation, but every time I listen to a She & Him record, I'm transported to the 1950s (or some time that's old). This album sounds like it belongs in a collection with Ella Fitzgerald and Frank Sinatra to me, back when the holidays were swingin'.

One of my favorite tracks is also a lot of other people's least favorite: the cover of “Baby, It's Cold Outside.” Zooey takes the male-usual lyrics while M. does the female's. It's an interesting choice that does sound really unnatural coming from the nicest people in the world (why would you need to date rape anyone, Zooey? I'd go willingly).

Other than that, nothing especially stands out on the album, which isn't a bad thing by any means. It creates a good atmosphere to celebrate the season without being showing. That's appreciated.

b) “Chanukah” from Rugrats

Honestly, when I started this list, the only part of this episode that I remembered was Angelica saying, “It's Chanukah! You've gotta hgchkstchs when you say it.”

And then I watched it again and I realized that, even in my days of acting as a sponge, absorbing everything, I still didn't remember anything about the Rugrats' Hanukkah special. There are vague phrases that make sense, like the “meanie of Hanukkah,” but for the most part, it all seems foreign.

This is weird, though, because I remember watching this when it debuted, and then every year after (until I thought cartoons were juvenile: 2010), but nothing sticks. It's a good story and there are some funny one-liners from the babies, but seemingly the only reason I remembered to put it on this list—aside from Angelica's emphatic pronunciation—is the fact that Rugrats was a show that consciously made an effort to subvert the concept of a Christmas Special. It makes sense, considering that Tommy is half-Jewish, and I have to applaud the show for attempting to make the concept and history of Hanukkah kid-friendly.

c) Coal

So, let me get this straight; if I'm good, I get toys and candy by the sackful, but if I'm bad, I just get a couple pieces of coal? Is Santa fucking nuts?

No kid ever thought too much about it, but the fact that Santa punishes evil children with a sooty fuel source makes no damn sense at all. If we're looking for an alternative to presents, you'd think that Santa would just give the kid no presents. Instead, for all the little bastards around the world, St. Nick makes a conscious effort to leave them a warning sign, like a gang member.

“I was watching you, you little shit. This is for microwaving your sister's Barbie.”

Santa's a vindictive sonuvabitch, it turns out.

What I want to know is how many kids have actually received coal in their stocking. How many parents loathe their child enough to demonize the jolly Mr. Claus and give them uncrushed diamonds?

Hey, when you put it like that, it doesn't sound so bad...  

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas

a) “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Kate Nash
“Merry Xmas Everybody” is huge in England. It's like those fans that chant “Seven Nation Army” during football events in... well, England (football=soccer. Thanks, Green Street Hooligans!). Barely anyone in the States has heard of the song, which is a shame because it's actually a great, catchy festive rock song from Slade, just like the lesser-known Columbus Day hit from Night Ranger, “Bunny Bunny Bunny Bunny.”

Kate Nash, very British, covered the song for The A.V. Club (I've never heard of them...) a couple of years ago and I found it instantly charming. I only say this version is better than the original because she is cute and because it is better. Also, the bass strings are red, did you see that?!


Kate Nash covers "Merry X-Mas Everybody"

b) “Santa” from New Girl
Last night's episode of New Girl was a good episode. It wasn't the greatest of the season by any means and occasionally showed symptoms of overt formulaism. By the time the halfway mark rolled around, everyone was walking away from each other—Jess from Sam, Angie from Nick, Schmidt from Cece, a cranberry from Winston—and yet was all knew that they would resolve these problems by the end of the episode (except the cranberry). It's a Christmas episode, after all, and what is Christmas without spending it with the one you love?

And yet, like every episode of New Girl, I found myself laughing hysterically, and often. A lot of it was simple character stuff (like Nick trying out some stripper moves and Jess ducking behind her friends to avoid detection), but some of it was showing how holidays are celebrated New Girl-style. The fact that no one knows the lyrics to “O Come All Ye Faithful” or Schmidt attempting to figure out what CeCe celebrates this time of year (“Happy Moon Festival?”). It's just nice to see everything work out once in a while.

c) Candy canes
Candy canes are boss because I've noticed a sad lacking in the Candy Department for most major holidays (INTERCOM: “Slattery, Candy Dept. Line 2. Slattery, Candy Dept. Line 2...”). And what better way to celebrate the birth of our Lord than sugary sticks shaped like shepherds' hooks?

I've always wondered why, of all things, the candy cane became a symbol of Christmas. Sure, there are instances of sugarplums and gingerbread men in stories and casual conversation, but the candy cane has outshone all, year after year. I buy candy canes when I clearly don't need to, which—come to think of it—is ever.

Candy canes actually kind of suck as a treat. Half of them are already broken at the crook, and once you get past the shaft (giggle giggle), how is one expected to consume the curvy part? It's not exactly prime to suck on a fish hook of a sugar stick, let alone chewing on one, given that scientists have proven that candy cane residue can stick to a person's teeth for upwards of 10,000 years.

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas

a) “'tis the Season for Los Straitjackets” by Los Straitjackets
Where does surf music have no place? If you say Christmastime, fuck yourself. Christmas is actually a fantastic time for surf music.

Los Straitjackets' Christmas album sounds surprisingly at home in a collection of other festive records. It's all very silly, and the image of Santa hanging ten is hard to not imagine.

b) Arrested Development Christmas “In God We Trust” “Afternoon Delight”
Christmas pretty much takes a back seat in Arrested Development. Without lights set up in the dining room or event names like the “Christmas Pageant,” it would be impossible to tell what time of year it is in the O.C. (“Don't call it that...”).

But Arrested Development has always been family-oriented (in the plot, not in subject matter), which is a very Christmasy aspect. Granted, some of it is to an incestual degree, but there are still many instances of relatives coming through for each other. The friendship between Michael and Lindsay throughout “In God We Trust,” interrupted by their mother attempting to separate them feels very real and when they share their secrets over (I lost count) drinks, we see them as the closest members of the family, if only for this episode.

“Afternoon Delight” gets a little creepier when it comes familial relations. The titular song does not sound that dirty until you sing it to your niece. But the heart of the story comes from the Michael/George Michael dynamic. Instead of going to the Bluth Company's annual Christmas party, GM spends time with Yam (It's Ann...) and her family, whose Christmas party is celebrated on Bethlehem time (which I may or may not use as a legitimate excuse for being late form time to time). Fortunately he attends after he sneaks out during the second hour of silent prayer. A lot of other stuff happens—these are tightly-packed episodes—but it's all gold.

c) Cutting down trees

These past few years, my family has gone the route of pre-cut Christmas trees. Instead of the tradition of going out to a farm where pine trees grow like rows of prickly corn and cutting a tree down ourselves, we have invested in an already-dead one. Rather than spending hours in the frigid winds of Michigan winter, where the threat of hypothermia is only offset by the frustrations against other family members who would settle for just any ol' spruce with enough branches to cover the glaring bald spots, we found our last tree in twenty minutes and were on our way home.

See, I am very particular about which tree gets to warm up in our house each year and I get a special thrill from shopping the fucker down myself. Only the most pristine firs make the cut (so to speak) and it maddens me that some corporation thinks they can swoop in, deforest acres of miniature pine trees, and then attempt to sell them to me at 50 bucks a pop. You expect to take away the ritual of getting on my hands and knees in the wintery mud and feebly hack and saw for half an hour while the rest of the Slattery clan complains how cold it is until my arms feel as though I've Shakeweighted for ten days straight, and then ask me to be grateful?

Actually, you win. I'll take the Frasier Fir in the back there.

On the Tenth Day of Christmas

a) “Suzy Snowflake” by Venus Hum
I like this song. A lot. It's so child-like and perky. And absurdly catchy.

Reminiscent of “Frosty the Snowman,” there isn't an ounce of cynicism to be found in this song.





b) The Santa Clause
I'm not embarrassed to say that I've seen all three of the Santa Claus movies.

Okay, I'm actually very embarrassed. However, the only one that makes any sense to talk about is the first one.

Despite what I remembered, there is actually a lot going on in this movie beyond farting reindeer and Tim Allen saying, “Does this look like a little weight to you?!” Scott Calvin has a lot of conflicting emotion in this first movie. He despises his ex-wife's new boyfriend, a therapist who tells his son Santa is “more of a feeling than a real person.” He simultaneously finds taking care of he son a burden but also loves him. He does not want to become Santa but reluctantly delivers all of the toys after the last St. Nick falls off his roof and dies(?). This movie feels complex, juggling a lot of different motivations and consequences with a steady hand that the other two movies didn't even try to replicate.

Also, I would like to note that, up until a couple of years ago, I legitimately spelled Santa Claus with an -e at the end, and I have this movie to blame for that. Thanks, Tim Allen, for making me took stupid!

c) Debunking Christmas
“Hey, did you know that Santa's sleigh would have to weigh about 321,300 tons and that—”

Shut up, asshole.

Sometimes people confuse me. During a time that is supposed to be about miracles and child-like wonder, assholes around the world want to use science? Give me a fucking break.

No one cares how smart you think you are because you read some easily-digestible quasi-facts about Santa Claus on the internet. I really couldn't care less about how fast Santa's sleigh would have to go in order to reach every Christmas-celebrating house in one night, or that Jesus wasn't really born in winter. The only possible reason you are saying these things is to be a dick.

Look, I get immense joy out of making fun of the things I love (“Bon Iver? More like Boned Yer Mom For A Fiver!”), even Christmas. That actually one of the reasons I'm doing this countdown. But I'm not doing it to parade around like some dick-chin who thinks he knows something you don't. It was like after The Sixth Sense came out and ergodic vag-faces would publicly announce that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time (oops, spoiler alert). I don't recall anyone asking you, but thanks for sucking all of the joy out of the most wonder-full time of the year.

That being said, Christmas is totally a Pagan holiday. Just saying, Christians...

On the Ninth Day of Christmas

a) “A Christmas Album” by Bright Eyes

A Christmas album from Bright Eyes seems like it would be done jokingly, tongue-in-cheek. Why would Conor Oberst & Co. ever make an entire album for Christmas? This is the same band that writes songs about babies drowning in bathtubs and opens a record with a disturbing preacher voice waxing poetic about bizarre creationist theories.

“A Christmas Album,” while blandly titled, is surprisingly sincere. Bright Eyes never lose their low-happiness folk sound, but actually produce a solid holiday-themed album. Personal favorite: a rendition of “Blue Christmas” that gives Elvis a run for his money. Singing steadily was never Oberst's strong suit, but his angsty, quivering vocals add a depth of sorrow to a Christmas classic that no one else can top.

b) Dr. Suess's How the Grinch Stole Christmas live-action

I was not into the live-action version of The Grinch when I first saw it. The movie seemed mean and creepy and it kind of gave me a head-ache. I know the whole point of the Grinch is to hate his guts (including that tiny heart of his), but even after he “redeemed” himself, I still thought he was an asshole. Also, the entire backstory of why the Grinch turned evil seemed way over-the-top for me. This was not the story Dr. Seuss intended, I told myself.

And I don't know if it was through everyone else over-quoting the movie or I just learned to let things go, but I've grown to appreciate the movie. It's interesting, I'll say hesitantly. It is one of those movies, like Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2, that I will watch if it's on TV, but will never go out looking for it, asking friends, “Hey, you wanna come over to my place and watch The Grinch?”

Believe me, I understand the irony of hating a movie about a guy (thing?) that hates Christmas. Bah, humbug.

c) Calvin and Hobbes Christmas

I don't have much to say about this because it would just ruin it, so I'll just show you:

On the Eighth Day of Christmas

a) “Silent Night” by Andrew W.K.

I don't think many people would argue that Andrew WK is a cool dude (except maybe the State Department). However, my old roommate used to subject me to his album, “I Get Wet,” and I can't say I thought it was revolutionary. It was a good party album, sure, and maybe that was the whole point, but after the first three or four songs, I grew tiresome and found it a little repetitive and grating.

But this doesn't mean I dislike Andrew WK as a person or even as a musician. In fact, a couple of years ago, he did a rendition of “Silent Night” that was both silly and, frankly, impressive. His vocal style changed constantly and his piano skillz are pretty remarkable (at least to someone as uneducated as me). And, I really want to believe him when he says that “Silent Night” is one of his favorite songs. So I will.

b) “The Best Christmas Ever” from That '70s Show

There's nothing quite like the thrill of stealing a Christmas tree. Not that I would know—I never cut down a small pine behind my apartment with a butter knife and then duct-taped it to the wall... That would be absurd.

There's nothing incredibly special about That '70s Show's first season Christmas episode. They didn't go all crazy with the title sequence or make some big statement about family. Rather, the show was still finding its feet but still had some great character-based comedy. When cutting down the tree off the side of the interstate, Hyde yells, “Car!” He and Eric hide, while Kelso stands up and yells, “Where?!” Later, drunk Jackie's best gift is a last minute attempt from Kelso with hot rollers. And Kitty guards the tree from state troopers who wish to confiscate it.

If there's something we can take from this episode, maybe it's Red having to work at Bargain Bob's on Christmas Eve. Anyone with a job has had to work a holiday or celebration and it can be one of the most miserable and lonely experiences. Everyone else is out partying and enjoying one another's company, while you mope pointlessly at a store where no one is shopping. That is, unless Kelso needs hot rollers.

c) Mistletoe

I would make jokes about how mistletoe is the only acceptable form of date rape this side of “Baby, It's Cold Outside,” but that would be tasteless. No, instead, I'll expose mistletoe for what it really is: a loser's way of trying to score a kiss from unaware party goers. See, I don't believe that the mistletoe tradition began with malice. Rather, I'd like to think it all started with one nerd who had a strange plant collection and decided that it was time to change his destiny and made up some bullshit tradition.

And you know what? It probably didn't work 99% of the the time during the first year. But once douchebags caught ahold of it and started making out out with strangers, it became a socially acceptable practice (I'm sure a lot of today's head-scratching traditions begin this way) that everyone bought into. So now when you go to a party and some geeky-looking person says, “Oh, look. Mistletoe. How embarrassing! I guess... We might as well... It's tradition...” you can thank douchebags of the world.

On the Seventh Day of Christmas

a) “Songs for Christmas”/“Silver & Gold” by Sufjan Stevens

I think it's safe to say that Sufjan Stevens has lost his damn mind. It's either that or he is one of the most strange, calculating SOBs making music these days.

His “Songs for Christmas” collection was quite wonderful, a 5-EP set of original and traditional Christmas songs that sounded very... Sufjany. There were gentle acoustic-picked ballads, some great harmonizing vocals, and a shitload of banjos. Some of his best songs were the most depressing, like “That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!” but the cheerful cuts didn't suffer at all. “I Saw Three Ships” should not sound that fresh and fun.

Now let's cut to this year with the release of 5 new EPs, collectively titled “Silver & Gold.” A lot of these songs were recorded in the years after Sufjan's “Illinois” album, when he was experimenting with albums about turnpikes and going back to his more electronic, glitchy roots. But this isn't necessarily a bad thing, especially if you like that kind of thing. Personally, I think the biggest standout track is the 9-minute galvanic epic “Do You Hear What I Hear?” This might not be your grandparents' Christmas album, but it looks to be the one of the future.

b) The Office (UK) Christmas Special

This is not me condescendingly saying that the British version of The Office is better than the American version. They are very different shows and I have a special place in my heart for both. That being said, the finale of The Office (UK) will not be surpassed by the pending end of The Office (US), mostly because Michael is gone, Jim and Pam are already together, and Dwight did not end up being manager.

What UK had that US shied away from early was an overall hopelessness that I found so endearing. These employees were stuck. Not just stuck, but STUCK in every sense. No one was really happy and no one ever got their way. And the despair was so painful and hilarious.

So while the Christmas special tied everything up in a nice bow, more or less giving everyone what they wanted (including the audience), which went against what the show seemed to stand for, but still felt satisfying. I mean, getting what you want (better, what you deserve) is what this season is about, so it fits that (only assholes say “spoiler alert”) Tim and Dawn end up “together,” Brent gets a reassuring date from a beautiful woman, and Finch receives a well-deserved “fuck off.” Merry Christmas to all.

c) Christmas commercials

“So, do you think Santa will like these red and green M&Ms?” It's a classic. So is the formation of Hershey's Kisses jingling “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.”

I don't know what makes me a sucker for the consumerist aspects of Christmas (I'm sure marketing majors could help me out), but I totally buy into it. All of it. I may not actually make any purchases (because I honestly don't know if I've ever actually seen an ABC Warehouse with my own eyes), but I can't help but watch and believe. Campbell's Soup not only melts the snow off of some snowman-like kid (I mean, really, where were his parents when their son got encompassed by a 7-inch thick shell of snow?) but it also melts my heart.

Similar to when Christopher Walken guest stars on SNL, it seems that ad agencies really pull out the big guns during Christmastime. Sure, some companies seem to get bafflingly lazy—“It's Christmas. Um... buy diamonds.”—but plenty make an effort to try and get us to purchase their products and I appreciate the step-up in giving a shit. You know what, Old Navy? I'll throw you a bone and stop by your store. I'm just browsing, but we can pretend otherwise.

On the Sixth Day of Christmas

a) “I Wish It Was Christmas Today” by Julian Casablancas
I can't begin to explain the joy I receive when bands take silly songs and turn them serious. The National did it with the Thanksgiving Song from Bob's Burgers. Julian Casablancas's take on SNL's “I Wish It Was Christmas Today” just seemed right. I mean, why wouldn't the frontman of The Strokes take a ridiculous ditty about Christmas, add some synths, and make it his own? The rock-ness of it doesn't dismiss the childish lyricism, but it certainly compensates for it.

Also, even with the drums and guitars, it's so hard to not picture Tracy Morgan doing his hand thing and Jimmy Fallon trying not to laugh as usual.

b) Elf

My crush on Zooey Deschanel started with Elf. When I saw her later in (500) Days of Summer and other indie-ish things, I didn't think it was the same person at first. Maybe she wore contacts or something. I totally saw what Buddy the Elf saw in her: she was quiet, closed-off, and had a really good singing voice.

I'm really happy this movie exists, mostly because it's a Christmas movie that parents can enjoy as well. It's not something stupid (or awesome, if you're 5 years old) like Air Bud 5: Puppies Save Christmas 2 with thin plot vaguely revolving around a broken family and a kid wanting nothing more than to have just one special thing for Christmas, a puppy or a day of snow or for daddy to stop drinking so much.

Elf instead caters to all ages, providing quality slapstick of Will Ferrell jumping on a Christmas tree and getting drop-kicked by a little person, with some drinking-in-the-mail-room jokes for adults. Everyone wins! ...except maybe for small people who find elf jokes less-than-funny.

c) Xmas

Some things just need to be abbreviated. Time is so important these days and no one wants to spend precious seconds reading that you're laughing out loud. Even bands like Rapid Eye Movement and Let's Make Fucking Awful Omusic (the O is silent) caught on to this trend.

Writing out “Christmas” can be so time-consuming, so I'm glad that we can use Xmas instead. It gives one of the most underappreciated letters a time to shine like tinsel next to the fireplace (Mr. X in kindergarten, representin'!). Some people may be offended, saying that the X replaces Christ and that Jesus is the reason for the season, but that is simply not true. The X isn't looking to take Jesus's job. In fact, it just wants to hang out, have a party, get a little crazy! Just make sure it gets enough water or it could die.

On the Fifth Day of Christmas

a) “The Christmas Gig” by Various Artists

Christmas compilations are cool. It's a chance to get a bunch of bands and artists together to give their own unique perspectives on the holiday. For bands that wouldn't usually put out an entire album of merry songs, compilations allow the opportunity to test the icy waters of Fa-La-La-Land and to accompany other equally-festive talents.

A couple of years ago, Target put out a string of commercials to celebrate their winter sales and products. Accompanying these commercials were original songs from bands like Guster, Bishop Allen, and Blazer Force. Whoever at Target decided it could be advantageous to release these songs, in full, to the public was a genius. This is possibly one of the most bizarre, scatterbrained collection of Christmas songs ever, but it's also one of my favorite. I don't think Blackalicious and Jenny O. would ever belong on any other compilation together, but I'm glad it happened here.

b) “Christmas Party,” “A Benihana Christmas,” and “Moroccan Christmas” from The Office (US)

First, my obligatory rant that the early seasons of the US version of The Office were the strongest, even though this final season is shaping up to be a decent send-off to the series. I can't fully explain why pre-wedding (even pre-relationship) Jim and Pam were better and how the degradation of the characters into gross caricatures wasn't the best route for the show to take. I don't want to be the person who says, “I liked the show before everyone started watching it,” but, hey...

Anyways, the first few Christmas episodes were always interesting because they were about something else, every season. Season 2's “Christmas Party” was about Michael trying to throw the best Christmas party ever, no matter how many people he upsets along the way. Season 3's Benihana episode was all about spite: Michael attempts to rebound from Carol while Pam and Karen throw their own party after Angela shoots down all of their ideas. And Season 5's “Moroccan Christmas” is a thinly-veiled but highly-funny intervention episode.

The strongest of the three is obviously “Christmas Party.” Jim's whole conundrum of his gift ending up with the wrong person is perfect and let's not forget that this was one of the first episodes that really started to flesh out the background characters and what they gave each other through Secret Santa spoke volumes about their interpersonal relationships. Toby got Angela a creepy baby poster because he knows she likes that kind of thing. Oscar gives Creed a shamrock keychain because he doesn't know anything about Creed except that he might be Irish, maybe? Creed got Jim an old shirt in a plastic because he forgot about the whole thing. Michael got Ryan an iPod because he's got some weird crush on him and because he got a big bonus from Corporate (“Three thousands G's...”). And Kevin got himself a footbath because that's just what he wanted.

In a sense, we all have that problem. It's not enough that you have to buy gifts for people. There's a stigma to know what the receiver wants, to get to the core of someone else through commercial means. It's tough, frustrating work to know all of these other people so deeply. Maybe we should just all be Kevin.

Then again, maybe we should take the iPod...

c) Salvation Army ringers

Today was the first time I ever gave to the Salvation Army. Well, it's the first time I've ever really given to charity in general. Sure, I've given a couple of dollars to homeless people throughout my years (to support the drugs and alcohol market), but this was the first time I've given a conscious thought to giving back. My contribution: $3.46 made up of change I had in my pocket.

Now, this may not seem like much coming from someone clearly as well off as I am. I mean, I'm a college graduate. Of course I'm just rolling in the dough right now (which reminds me that I should apply for a job at Panera tomorrow and really get some mileage out of this writing degree).

I can't help but feel for those guys, standing out front of Wal*Marts and Meijers with their dinky bell and their buckets, freezing and ringing away. They really have nothing to do besides tell entering customers “Merry Christmas” and tell exiting people “Fuck your selfishness” (under their breath). It's a totally thankless job and I can't imagine many ringers go to bed and think “I made $12 for someone else after standing around in the harsh weather for eight hours. Worth it.” I like the underdogs, though, so if getting rid of the three pounds of coins I was carrying around will help with... something... I'm okay with that.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas

a) “It's Christmas Time” by Yo La Tengo

There is an overwhelming sense of happiness in Yo La Tengo's “It's Christmas Time.” The lyrics are pretty simple and repetitive (what time is it?), but this is one of those instances where earnestness and holiday cheer trump irritation.

It's just... delightful.

b) Home Alone

MOVIE EXEC: Let me get this straight: A kid gets left behind over Christmas by his parents while robbers simultaneously attempt to break into the house and the kid fends them off with elaborate booby-traps?

OTHER MOVIE EXEC: Uh... I guess.

MOVIE EXEC: Even for a kids' movie, it sounds a little stupid.

OTHER MOVIE EXEC: We'll get John Hughes to write it.

MOVIE: Sold.

Yeah, Home Alone is pretty awesome, if not completely implausible. The scary next-door neighbor, the creepy furnace in the basement, and Joe Pesci with a blowtorch to the scalp? Quality family entertainment. Also, let's not forget how amazing the world would be if Angels with Filthy Souls was a legitimate movie.

c) White fudge Oreos

Food might be one of the best parts about the holiday season. Y'know, after the presents and time with family and the overall feeling of joy. One of the things I miss most recently is the White Fudge Oreos. When I was growing up, this was the sure sign that Christmas was coming, not animated specials from the 1960s or the countdown to the 24-hour marathon of A Christmas Story.

Yes, Oreos.

My parents were in love with these cookies as much as my brother and I were. It was a family obsession (our current family obsession = Breaking Amish [we're different people now]) and we would purchase four trays at a time, knowing full well that they would be gone by the end of the week (you may have seen us on My 600-Pound Family).

There was nothing special about these Oreos— Oh, wait. Except for the fact that they were COVERED IN WHITE FUDGE! Possibly the most delicious confection produced by any company ever, the White Fudge Oreo was my go-to dessert for years. That was, until tragedy struck. One year, my father came home Oreoless and after our ritualistic shunning of him for a few months, he declared that our grocery store did not carry White Fudge Oreos any longer. In fact, he added, he wasn't sure if Nabisco made them anymore. Of course now, in the age of the internet, I know that's total bullshit. They're still produced and probably tasty as fuck-ever. But will I go out, searching every store in Michigan or the country until I find these delicious cookies? Will I rub their smooth, creamy shell against my cheek, whispering, “My preciousssss...”? Will I keep one in a Ziploc baggie for decades so that I may one day recreate the magical formula for my own selfish means?

Of course not. I'm not crazy...

On the Third Day of Christmas

a) “Barenaked for the Holidays” by Barenaked Ladies

Traditional Christmas songs are great. They've lasted throughout the years, rerecorded, reinterpreted, and yet they are universally recognizable. Whether upbeat or downtempo, “Jingle Bells” is just catchy.

When bands record original Christmas songs, though, I'd say it takes a special creativity. There are only so many times someone can sing about Santa or the gift of giving. BNL (yes, we're calling them BNL now) produced a holiday album (Christmas + 2 songs for Hanukkah), truly original. I find it fascinating that they never once say “Santa Claus” (instead using phrases like “the fat man”) and utilize Michael Bublé and Sarah McLachlan in ways I don't find irritating. However, the highlights of the album are the slow, understated songs “Snowman” and “Footprints,” the latter of which is apart of my top-10 songs of all time (holiday or otherwise).

b) “Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas” from Community

Christmas isn't always bright. Even when we have the best intentions of staying merry and positive, there is a certain melancholy element to the holiday season that I find attractive. Sometimes the darkest times can mean the most and Community has always been great at mining at these dark times to show growth and maturity.

This episode isn't that funny-haha, but it has a lot of smiling moments (specifically the misfit toys each of the characters become). At its core, this episode has a lot of heart and every aspect of it shows how much work was put into the production. I can't say enough good things about this episode.

c) Mall Santas

I have no idea what happened to all of the pictures of me sitting on Santa's lap, but I know there had to have been one for every year I believed in Santa (so, at least twelve). Visiting Santa Claus at the mall must be what it feels like to meet your favorite athlete or Iron Chef contestant. I mean, he's a rock star in the eyes of a child (almost as cool as meeting the Kung-Fu Panda) and he's visiting your specific shopping center! What are the odds that the Meridian Mall would be one of the stops on his meet-and-greet tour around the country? And every year?! Santa's nothing if not persistent.

Sitting on Santa's lap and telling him what you want for Christmas pretty much solidifies his realism for kids for an extra few years. You can touch his beard, hear him laugh, and get photo documentation! (Santa photos count as picture ID at most voting stations.) And bless Santa's heart for sitting there, hour after hour, listening to non-contributing pissants explain in detail what they want. Right, because a six-year-old really needs Black Ops II...

On the Second Day of Christmas

a) “New York is a Christmas Kind of Town” by Marah

I've been to New York City once, for about two hours, in the frigid cold just days after New Years about a decade ago. I've never really been to a big city during the holidays, period. But something about how earnest Marah sounds in this song tells me that they really believe that New York is the place to be for Christmas. Taking all of the most recognizable aspects of the Big Apple and turning them into the North Pole is brilliant.

b) Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang isn't a Christmas movie, per se, but there are some definite Christmasy elements to it. Hollywood seems to have a boner for setting action movies around Christmastime (Die Hard, cough cough...) but that's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, the juxtaposition between the “most wonderful time of the year” and the senseless bloodshed of terrorists and crooked businessmen gives the holiday season an otherworldness quality to it. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is silly and ridiculous (I mean, Val Kilmer as a gay man?) and the inclusion of L.A. during Christmas does nothing but add to the absurdity. No matter how many strippers dress up like candy canes, the gritty city portrayed in the film will never really feel like a Winter Wonderland.

Plus, strippers dressed up like reindeer. Freakish, not-sexy reindeer.

c) Wrapping presents

I'm not particularly dextrous. I've cut my fingers more often than not when chopping vegetables and learning the piano is an everlasting struggle (seriously, fuck you, pinkies!). So it should come as no surprise that wrapping Christmas presents is torturous for me. There's so much folding and creasing and geometry involved—I just want to disguise your copy of Madea's Family Reunion; I'm not looking to do origami here!

I still don't know why we wrap presents, at least for adults. Children are just stupid and can't figure out that the present shaped like a baseball bat isn't a baseball bat. Grown-ups, on the other hand, are slightly more clever. A present shaped like a shoebox? Must be those hiking boats I asked for. A gift in the shape of a wine bottle? Feels like glass under the paper? It couldn't possibly be a 1989 bottle of Pinot Grigio (that was a good year?)!

On the First Day of Christmas

a) “A Charlie Brown Christmas” by Vince Guaraldi Trio
This is the exception to the rule when people say, “I hate jazz.” It's one of the most delightful arrangement of songs ever. From the opening notes of “O Tannenbaum,” I get giddy, legitimately flibbertigibbety. This album only has mild associations in my head with the television special, which is equally as amazing (more on that later in the month), so there must be something in the music that gets me pumped-up for Christmas more than those inflatable Santas people put in front of their houses. I couldn't tell you what that “something” is, but just listen to “Christmas Time Is Here” and try not to feel a general impression of jolliness (or a hankering to watch Arrested Development to watch Michael Cera slink off, depressed).


b) “The Christmas Episode” from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
I can't explain why I love Studio 60 so much. I wanted to be a sketch comedy writer when it came out and with Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford spouting Sorkin dialogue about scribing satirical television, I guess I was suckered in from the start.


But there's something magical about this Christmas episode that made me show it to my family a couple of years ago. It takes place following Hurricane Katrina without feeling exploitative or preachy about the good will of men. At its core, the episode is about hope and rebuilding, without feeling heavy-handed. Christmas would be the season to excuse such a thing, if it needed it.

c) Christmas lights
Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, along with Christmas. It is, partially because I get such joy out of scaring children, but also because I love seeing people go bat-shit insane with their houses. The most twisted, grotesque lawns in the neighborhood fascinate me. There is a special creativity exhibited during the month of October only rivaled by the month of December. Ghouls turn to gingerbread men, corpses to candy canes. Fear turns to joy. As strange as it sounds, I thrive off of both of these emotions.


I never thought of how strange the concept of Christmas lights was until Jim Gaffigan pointed out how backwards the whole holiday was: “Let's take all these lights, put them out there. Chop down that tree, bring it in here. I just... I really need to get a job!” It's one of those bizarre traditions that doesn't really make sense (think bunnies and Easter), but the holiday wouldn't feel complete without it.


Every Christmas Eve, I make my mom drive around the neighborhood with the family to look at the Christmas lights. I know she loves it about as much as any chauffeur would, but it's one of my favorite Christmas traditions. Houses are just boring, so why not illuminate them with tiny multicolored bulbs in the spirit of giving?