On the Tenth Day of Christmas

a) “Suzy Snowflake” by Venus Hum
I like this song. A lot. It's so child-like and perky. And absurdly catchy.

Reminiscent of “Frosty the Snowman,” there isn't an ounce of cynicism to be found in this song.





b) The Santa Clause
I'm not embarrassed to say that I've seen all three of the Santa Claus movies.

Okay, I'm actually very embarrassed. However, the only one that makes any sense to talk about is the first one.

Despite what I remembered, there is actually a lot going on in this movie beyond farting reindeer and Tim Allen saying, “Does this look like a little weight to you?!” Scott Calvin has a lot of conflicting emotion in this first movie. He despises his ex-wife's new boyfriend, a therapist who tells his son Santa is “more of a feeling than a real person.” He simultaneously finds taking care of he son a burden but also loves him. He does not want to become Santa but reluctantly delivers all of the toys after the last St. Nick falls off his roof and dies(?). This movie feels complex, juggling a lot of different motivations and consequences with a steady hand that the other two movies didn't even try to replicate.

Also, I would like to note that, up until a couple of years ago, I legitimately spelled Santa Claus with an -e at the end, and I have this movie to blame for that. Thanks, Tim Allen, for making me took stupid!

c) Debunking Christmas
“Hey, did you know that Santa's sleigh would have to weigh about 321,300 tons and that—”

Shut up, asshole.

Sometimes people confuse me. During a time that is supposed to be about miracles and child-like wonder, assholes around the world want to use science? Give me a fucking break.

No one cares how smart you think you are because you read some easily-digestible quasi-facts about Santa Claus on the internet. I really couldn't care less about how fast Santa's sleigh would have to go in order to reach every Christmas-celebrating house in one night, or that Jesus wasn't really born in winter. The only possible reason you are saying these things is to be a dick.

Look, I get immense joy out of making fun of the things I love (“Bon Iver? More like Boned Yer Mom For A Fiver!”), even Christmas. That actually one of the reasons I'm doing this countdown. But I'm not doing it to parade around like some dick-chin who thinks he knows something you don't. It was like after The Sixth Sense came out and ergodic vag-faces would publicly announce that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time (oops, spoiler alert). I don't recall anyone asking you, but thanks for sucking all of the joy out of the most wonder-full time of the year.

That being said, Christmas is totally a Pagan holiday. Just saying, Christians...