On the Thirteenth Day of Christmas

a) “A Very She & Him Christmas” by She & Him

I know Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward are from this generation, but every time I listen to a She & Him record, I'm transported to the 1950s (or some time that's old). This album sounds like it belongs in a collection with Ella Fitzgerald and Frank Sinatra to me, back when the holidays were swingin'.

One of my favorite tracks is also a lot of other people's least favorite: the cover of “Baby, It's Cold Outside.” Zooey takes the male-usual lyrics while M. does the female's. It's an interesting choice that does sound really unnatural coming from the nicest people in the world (why would you need to date rape anyone, Zooey? I'd go willingly).

Other than that, nothing especially stands out on the album, which isn't a bad thing by any means. It creates a good atmosphere to celebrate the season without being showing. That's appreciated.

b) “Chanukah” from Rugrats

Honestly, when I started this list, the only part of this episode that I remembered was Angelica saying, “It's Chanukah! You've gotta hgchkstchs when you say it.”

And then I watched it again and I realized that, even in my days of acting as a sponge, absorbing everything, I still didn't remember anything about the Rugrats' Hanukkah special. There are vague phrases that make sense, like the “meanie of Hanukkah,” but for the most part, it all seems foreign.

This is weird, though, because I remember watching this when it debuted, and then every year after (until I thought cartoons were juvenile: 2010), but nothing sticks. It's a good story and there are some funny one-liners from the babies, but seemingly the only reason I remembered to put it on this list—aside from Angelica's emphatic pronunciation—is the fact that Rugrats was a show that consciously made an effort to subvert the concept of a Christmas Special. It makes sense, considering that Tommy is half-Jewish, and I have to applaud the show for attempting to make the concept and history of Hanukkah kid-friendly.

c) Coal

So, let me get this straight; if I'm good, I get toys and candy by the sackful, but if I'm bad, I just get a couple pieces of coal? Is Santa fucking nuts?

No kid ever thought too much about it, but the fact that Santa punishes evil children with a sooty fuel source makes no damn sense at all. If we're looking for an alternative to presents, you'd think that Santa would just give the kid no presents. Instead, for all the little bastards around the world, St. Nick makes a conscious effort to leave them a warning sign, like a gang member.

“I was watching you, you little shit. This is for microwaving your sister's Barbie.”

Santa's a vindictive sonuvabitch, it turns out.

What I want to know is how many kids have actually received coal in their stocking. How many parents loathe their child enough to demonize the jolly Mr. Claus and give them uncrushed diamonds?

Hey, when you put it like that, it doesn't sound so bad...