On the Eighth Day of Christmas

a) “Silent Night” by Andrew W.K.

I don't think many people would argue that Andrew WK is a cool dude (except maybe the State Department). However, my old roommate used to subject me to his album, “I Get Wet,” and I can't say I thought it was revolutionary. It was a good party album, sure, and maybe that was the whole point, but after the first three or four songs, I grew tiresome and found it a little repetitive and grating.

But this doesn't mean I dislike Andrew WK as a person or even as a musician. In fact, a couple of years ago, he did a rendition of “Silent Night” that was both silly and, frankly, impressive. His vocal style changed constantly and his piano skillz are pretty remarkable (at least to someone as uneducated as me). And, I really want to believe him when he says that “Silent Night” is one of his favorite songs. So I will.

b) “The Best Christmas Ever” from That '70s Show

There's nothing quite like the thrill of stealing a Christmas tree. Not that I would know—I never cut down a small pine behind my apartment with a butter knife and then duct-taped it to the wall... That would be absurd.

There's nothing incredibly special about That '70s Show's first season Christmas episode. They didn't go all crazy with the title sequence or make some big statement about family. Rather, the show was still finding its feet but still had some great character-based comedy. When cutting down the tree off the side of the interstate, Hyde yells, “Car!” He and Eric hide, while Kelso stands up and yells, “Where?!” Later, drunk Jackie's best gift is a last minute attempt from Kelso with hot rollers. And Kitty guards the tree from state troopers who wish to confiscate it.

If there's something we can take from this episode, maybe it's Red having to work at Bargain Bob's on Christmas Eve. Anyone with a job has had to work a holiday or celebration and it can be one of the most miserable and lonely experiences. Everyone else is out partying and enjoying one another's company, while you mope pointlessly at a store where no one is shopping. That is, unless Kelso needs hot rollers.

c) Mistletoe

I would make jokes about how mistletoe is the only acceptable form of date rape this side of “Baby, It's Cold Outside,” but that would be tasteless. No, instead, I'll expose mistletoe for what it really is: a loser's way of trying to score a kiss from unaware party goers. See, I don't believe that the mistletoe tradition began with malice. Rather, I'd like to think it all started with one nerd who had a strange plant collection and decided that it was time to change his destiny and made up some bullshit tradition.

And you know what? It probably didn't work 99% of the the time during the first year. But once douchebags caught ahold of it and started making out out with strangers, it became a socially acceptable practice (I'm sure a lot of today's head-scratching traditions begin this way) that everyone bought into. So now when you go to a party and some geeky-looking person says, “Oh, look. Mistletoe. How embarrassing! I guess... We might as well... It's tradition...” you can thank douchebags of the world.