On the Second Day of Christmas

a) “New York is a Christmas Kind of Town” by Marah

I've been to New York City once, for about two hours, in the frigid cold just days after New Years about a decade ago. I've never really been to a big city during the holidays, period. But something about how earnest Marah sounds in this song tells me that they really believe that New York is the place to be for Christmas. Taking all of the most recognizable aspects of the Big Apple and turning them into the North Pole is brilliant.

b) Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang isn't a Christmas movie, per se, but there are some definite Christmasy elements to it. Hollywood seems to have a boner for setting action movies around Christmastime (Die Hard, cough cough...) but that's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, the juxtaposition between the “most wonderful time of the year” and the senseless bloodshed of terrorists and crooked businessmen gives the holiday season an otherworldness quality to it. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is silly and ridiculous (I mean, Val Kilmer as a gay man?) and the inclusion of L.A. during Christmas does nothing but add to the absurdity. No matter how many strippers dress up like candy canes, the gritty city portrayed in the film will never really feel like a Winter Wonderland.

Plus, strippers dressed up like reindeer. Freakish, not-sexy reindeer.

c) Wrapping presents

I'm not particularly dextrous. I've cut my fingers more often than not when chopping vegetables and learning the piano is an everlasting struggle (seriously, fuck you, pinkies!). So it should come as no surprise that wrapping Christmas presents is torturous for me. There's so much folding and creasing and geometry involved—I just want to disguise your copy of Madea's Family Reunion; I'm not looking to do origami here!

I still don't know why we wrap presents, at least for adults. Children are just stupid and can't figure out that the present shaped like a baseball bat isn't a baseball bat. Grown-ups, on the other hand, are slightly more clever. A present shaped like a shoebox? Must be those hiking boats I asked for. A gift in the shape of a wine bottle? Feels like glass under the paper? It couldn't possibly be a 1989 bottle of Pinot Grigio (that was a good year?)!